Friday, July 19, 2013

Life is a never ending journey

Drake had his surgery June 18th,  took all of 45 minutes. The ent said his left ear was a lot worse than we thought, so we are currently putting antibiotic drops in his ear. The tube isn`t expected to hold and more surgery may be required.
 Then we got cleared to go back into therapy this week and find out the speech therapist is leaving April we`ll be thrown back onto a waiting list for speech therapy.

 We called DCF on Robin finally, because she honestly doesn`t deserve to have kids. After everything she ended up taking them home and cutting us all off from her facebook and home.

Tony got promoted and is running his own Radio Shack, Josh also got promoted to assistant.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Oh Herro, Didn`t see you there

Seems it has been awhile since I blogged heh, sorry.

The rundown?:

*Drake surgery next tuesday, the 18th. Tonsils, Adenoids, Turbinades (idek what those are) and tubes.
*I`ve been banned from Forsaken World twice in a week because of my stupid Vpn. Currently banned now
*We have all had the plague, vomit and migranes and fevers oh my.
*Been trying out new recipies, incorporating veggies a lot more. Even tried a few products that say "chick`n, but meatless" which baffle me with their deliciousness
* Finches have 2 out of 4 babys hatched. Knocked one from the nest but I saved it and Tweety hasn`t rejected it so far. *fingers crossed*
*Its been rainy here in Florida, so the plants are growing.
*Tony, Robin and I changed the starter on the car all by ourselves, with dad yelling at me via cellphone from Tennesee
*Heard from my brother for the first time in 2 years. He is in some exclusive military branch and has very little contact with the outside world.

Been pretty busy, but being banned had allowed me to get my first book done, and revise it once. I have also done a deep clean of the house, and set up my stockpile in the garage.

As for my character, I was making incredible progess now that I had figured out what purple sets I am going with. A friend, Cayennel helped me figure out gemming as well so the greater part of my gaming life is devoted to collecting gems. I need like 960 of 2 types x.x

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Inside the Mind of Cell Shade

My ex boyfriend of maybe 3-5 years on and off has finally found something he`s taking pride in. Him and a few friends have started a "show" of sorts featuring them talking about random things and whatnot. He`s been getting a bunch of hits so I offered to feature him on my humble little blog and Tumblr to get him some ratings. Some of it is actually pretty funny, and season two is coming out soon.

Or just go to youtube and search for CellShade1.

He has been all over the place since I met him, dabbling in things and never really finding a niche he could make work, though he did try his hardest. Maybe this show will take off and become an internet hit :)

Monday, April 29, 2013

Netflix Documentary: A Matter of Taste

"Sally Rowe`s documentary dishes a rare glimpse into the heated world of haute cuisine, with brilliant and controversial chef Paul Leibrant navigating other chefs, food critics, restaurant owners and more"

This one caught my eye because I love to cook. I went to a culinary Vo tech program in high school and missed finishing by one test..that they wanted me to pay like 100 dollars to take after I had graduated. So I said screw that, and took my cooking to my home life. At least this way my food is enjoyed after it has been slaved over.

We watch from the underside as Paul Leibrant decorates what would be a dish with food sauces in an artistic way. I always loved being able to express myself with the food sauces in school. He is described as being an innovator and being cutting edge in nearly every way. He makes food that other people would only dream to try, and successfully gets people to like it. A few dishes that are told to us are:

*Chocolate Covered Scallops
*Espuma of calf`s brains and foie gras

A few chefs comment on Paul`s food, saying there really is no way to tell if you`re going to like it, because there has never been anything done like it before. One chef refuses to comment because he hates the food style, and we watch as a dish is constructed with cherries and some sort of jelly. The dishes we have seen so far are tiny and delicate. The speaker describes them as "cute" Then we learn that in 2000 Paul became the youngest chef to receive 3 stars from the New York Times. Which makes you start to wonder if he really is innovative, or if he is just different and that is causing a stir?

 Paul says he learned his style from a few guys he trained with in Europe. He states the restaurants  he worked in were very very good, but they were all the same. What he has started doing is taking a base, which is something we know, and taking away a flavor, or adding in something you would never add in on your own. It makes people wonder, and throws people off. This could have gone very badly, but he got lucky that humans are a curious species.
   We watch him work for awhile, and just by watching his demeanor you learn he is very passionate about his work. Even though he is famous, he still crafts nearly every plate by hand, and makes most of the food himself. The plates are constructed one by one, each one could be the same dish but they look unique.

He is a bit goofy, they had a spot of bad luck with one of his restaurants and had to go back to making burgers and fries. So he decides to have a french fry tasting with different cuts and spices for the fries.  Paul has no lover, instead prefers to say he is married to the kitchen. We witness him leaving the burger flipping trade and heading out to get back into serious cooking.

It was a slower documentary, with a lot of comments and insight from Paul himself. You really get to see inside his mind and see some of the unique dishes he thinks up. He wants to create emotion with his food, and awake the senses, not just give you something you`ve had before. I rated it as a 4 star myself but it is definitely worth the watch in my opinion.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Netflix Documentary: Orgasm Inc.

When I start watching documentaries, I just can`t stop. I scoured through the Netflix directory this morning and added over 20 interesting documentaries on a variety of subjects. They are less widely known, so maybe by writing about what I`ve learned I can point people towards a good learning experience.

This one was about the "myth of female sexual dysfunction."

To me, I thought it was true. I have my own issues with achieving an orgasm, and I relate it mostly to stress. In the beginning of the film they have several women describing what an orgasm is to them. There was one woman in particular who said it was like having a war with herself. She felt that something was wrong with her because she couldn`t, and that she fought with herself mentally because she wanted to, but couldn`t.

So we get into the movie and meet the film maker. She was hired by this company Vivus, who was trying out a cream to help women achieve orgasm. They wanted her to make a sexual film that they would have the women watch after apply the cream in order to measure the sexual response and figure out if the cream worked or not.

They discuss how Vivus produced a drug called Muse, which was the leading ED product until Viagra was marketed, so they then turned their attention to women and their FSD, or Female Sexual Dysfunction. Every company on the market was making something and joining the race for fda approval, whether it was curing these women or not. Everyone wanted to be the first company to cure FSD.
  But what IS FSD? Its a "disease" created by doctors and unrealistic expectations. Women are led to believe they need to orgasm every time they have sex, they are lead to believe that they should be as sexually active in their 60s as they were in their 20s. Our race has decided that everything needs to be able to be fixed with a pill or a cream or an injection. We refuse to believe that this is a normal part of growing older.

There is a bunch more interesting and funny stuff in this documentary. I recommend it. 72 minutes of your life well spent. Look it up on Netflix Instant.

Netflix documentary: "Beyond the Myth" about pitbulls

I recently watched another documentary on Netflix that was a little close to home. It was called Beyond the Myth, the truth about pit bulls.

We all know the controversy about pitbulls and the stigma attatched to them. I`ve heard both sides of the story and I try to remain unbiased, but its just so hard when I have a pitbull at home...and my son is her puppy.
   How can pitbulls be bad if my dog guards my son? She helped him learn to walk, she follows him around the house to make sure he doesn`t get hurt. When we have other kids here she watches them too, laying outside the bedroom and keeping an eye on them. Drake pull her fur, ears, feet and kicks her. He lays on her and puts his hands in her mouth. I have never once been afraid that she would hurt him, ever.

I am a firm believer of these instances being the owners fault. It doesn`t matter what breed, or even species an animal is, its the owner who raises it that way. Same with children. Be a bad parent, get a trashy kid. Its karma, but instead of seeing it that way we panic and ban a breed of dog.
 How would you like it if we banned white people? how do you get rid of them huh? In the movie they rounded up over 400 pitbulls and killed them. Yet if they were people, it would be different, right?

In the beginning of the film there is a news reporter saying "Most of the nation believes Pits are natural born killers."
  Aren`t they all? Dogs are domesticated from WOLVES people. They kill to survive. We bred them down and made them fluffy little lapdogs. So isn`t that proof enough that Pits are no more to blame for this than say, a Pomeranian? Little dogs have much worse personality issues because we spoil them, we treat them like children. Pitbulls are abused, or left outside on chains to be a symbol of protection and nothing more.

The woman speaking grew up around Pits her whole life and tells a story about how she was in college in Texas and wanted to adopt a Pit from the shelter, and was told that they don`t let people adopt Pits, and that they euthanize the puppies even. This was back in 1996.
  She then founded Chako, a rescue for Pitbulls. Today over thousands of rescues exist. If we had the land I would rescue animals as well. Someone needs to save animals from our own stupidity. She runs Chako through volunteers only.

  Then we learn that there is no "Pit Bull" breed. That any dog with a square head, round eyes, and short muzzle can be labeled a Pit. So by that logic it looks like French Bulldogs are Pitbulls? What about an English Bull Terrier? Their heads are ice cream cone shaped.
   Its just like killing the Jews back with the whole Hitler thing. People put up a fuss about a type of dog so we try to eradicate it. We realized it was wrong to kill people based on religion or lifestyle, but its not wrong to kill all dogs with square heads? Dafuq is wrong with us?

 They have comparisons of people being bitten by other dogs and it not reaching the news, and then showing  how every single Pit Bull biting reaches the news.  A law was developed to demand people to fix their dogs if they were deemed a Pit Bull, or a dangerous breed.
 .....shouldn`t we spay and neuter anyway? There are thousands of dogs homeless and in shelters across America. But we are only going to worry about the Pits in terms of requiring them to be spayed and neutered? In my county they spay and neuter your pits for free, so I would have like 7 of them if we had the space lol.

 Without spoiling too much more of the movie I will say this. It makes for an eye opening hour and a half. Some of the things I learned made me honestly believe that everyone is an idiot out there. People need to be educated, they need to educate themselves and see for themselves before they judge any breed. What`s going to happen when they ban all dogs because of fear?

Monday, April 15, 2013

My Experience with Finch Breeding

Last year I ended up coming home with a female Zebra Finch. She had a nice little peep and a cute little cage. We hung her in the livingroom window. The baby loved her peep and would watch her from the couch for hours. After a few months she started laying eggs in the bottom of her cage. So Tony asked if we could find a male for her to make babies with. I figured why not, how hard could it be? Animals only purpose in life is to mate, and I felt wrong denying her of this so we found a male.

  They laid 3 sets of eggs and lost them. The first two were my fault, I gave them too much nesting material and they buried the eggs. After the first egg is laid you are supposed to remove the rest of the material. Our male, Tonto tends to get overzealous and builds these lavish, plush nests that bury the eggs. The third clutch almost made it, except that the parents were pulling the material out through the bottom and putting it on top which in turn made the eggs get cold from underneath and die.

The fourth clutch finally did it. The parents took turns on the nest and one day I looked in because they were both out of the nest and there they were. Four little babies with mouths open. Right out of the eggs they look like slugs with beaks. They make no noise at all and the parents are very nervous and flit around like crazy. Tweety, the mother, seems to be like me where she pushed Tonto aside for the first 3 weeks  and refused to let him help at all.  We supplimented the seed mixture with something called eggfood, which has real eggs, honey and other bits in it to help keep the babies nourished.  After about 3 weeks they all hopped out of the nest one night.  Scared the crap out of us we thought something was wrong.
   It was 9 at night when the babies decided to fly the coop. We were getting ready for bed and they just exploded out of the nest in a flurry of feathers and peeps. We left them alone except the one who got stuck in the water dish because I was afraid he would drown. They still have black beaks, but at some point they will change to orange like the parents. Tonto stepped up and has been teaching them to fly. We put a perler bead on each birds leg to tell them apart. It was easy, just cut it all the way through on one side and stretch it out and slip it on, lightweight and easy to see. Ours glow in the dark too so at night we see tiny colors flying around the cage.

  One thing we have noticed is they all have lumps on their necks on both sides of the body. I am thinking they are the unformed muscles that they use to fly? Tweety has something similar on her neck too, probably from sitting on the eggs for 3 weeks, but Tonto has a firm muscle on each side. They aren`t big lumps, you can only see them if you move the feathers aside. They get smaller every day.

 Tony has developed a tiny hatred for the babies which we hope will go away when they wean. The babies make this crazy demonic peeping when they want to eat. It sounds like angry little demons crying, like those horror movies with the distorted electronic laughing? They start at 5 am and go every few ours or so throughout the day. He hates it lol.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Drake`s new schedule

Drake turned 2 this past January, and has entered the terrible 2 stage. He has become a lovable nightmare. He screams nonstop, throws tantrums, throws anything really, and is just a general brat. Along with this, he still isn`t talking, and appears to be ignoring everything I say.

  He started Physical Therapy 2 weeks ago and we are waiting to being Occupational and Speech therapy as well. His Physical Therapists call him the 8`oclock screamer. Drake screams non-stop from the moment they touch him till they let him go. I have to sit in a viewing room in order to get him to do anything because if I`m in the room he won`t work at all. Either way he screams through it. I told the girls to get earplugs, they won`t offend me. The last thing I need is 2 people losing their hearing over Drake lol.
   I do like this therapy better than the other one he went to down by Healthpark. This one is in the All Children`s Outpatient and they do just about everything there too. We are also looking into something called Early Steps which I guess is a government program that would send someone to our house to help me work with him. When he turns 3 they would be helping me to get him into a daycare that would work with him and any issues he has.

  Dr. Alea, the pulmonary doctor, wants us to have another sleep study, which we will be doing in May sometime. Just to assess any issues that may have arisen in the past year. This won`t be his last either. For anyone who is unfamiliar with what a sleep study is: A sleep study, for a baby is when they monitor the baby when they sleep. It usually begins at 8pm, by 9pm the lights are out. Before lights out the technician puts a bunch of wires and other random things on the child, it is very scary looking and usually disturbs the child, but doesn`t hurt them. When the child falls asleep everything is monitored, from brain waves to heartbeat, pulse, breathing, reflexes, R.E.M sleep, snoring, etc.

We stopped seeing Donaldson for ENT work. In my opinion he is just too rough and more "drug pushy" than the new ENT we are seeing, Dr. Reidy. Donaldson told me the 2 times we saw him that Drake`s adenoids were fine and his tonsils were nothing to worry about. Even Drake`s old pediatrician literally said "I`ve seen bigger" when he saw the tonsils. I`m sorry. There is a reason my kid is snoring. He is 2, something is wrong, he shouldn`t be snoring so hard he wakes up screaming. There is something wrong with that in my opinion.
   And I wasn`t wrong!
Reidy spent 5 min looking at Drake and said he needs tonsils and adenoids out. He said the tonsils weren`t "kissing" yet, but to keep in mind that everything relaxes when we go to sleep, so they are most likely being sucked back into the throat at night and causing breathing issues. He also wants to do something with warm water up Drake`s nose during the same procedure that will make something up there shrink.
   After failing 2 hearing tests we have realized Drake is starting to go deaf mainly in his left ear. Reidy is going to put tubes in after the hearing test confirms he will be okay under sedation.

It was a lot to take in, after having doctor after doctor tell you he is fine, we are now finding out he isn`t ignoring me, he can`t hear me. What a slap to the face I felt lol.

More updates as time goes on. If any mothers` read this and have questions or need someone to talk to about their child with dwarfism, feel free to reach out. My email is Don`t feel weird or insecure, I know I`ve wished I had other mothers to talk to about this. The only person I know who went through all this is Tony`s mother, and she keeps telling me I worry too much.

Sleep Aid - 2 oz (Google Affiliate Ad)

Thursday, April 11, 2013

How to watch T.V without cable

About a year ago we moved into this new house (duplex.) We were hit hard as far as gas,electric and bills were concerned. After much struggling and owing Comcast over 500 bucks we decided to cut cable and phone and only keep our high speed internet. We now use 3 programs to keep us constantly covered as far as television goes.

 1. Netflix:
        We love Netflix. I have several sites that monitor potential releases of popular movies and shows, kids shows, documentaries etc so we can watch them as they come out. Our queue is over 250 items long, and we keep adding every time something new comes out. It is very good for kids, lots of educational shows, shows we watched as kids too. They`ve began to add some Disney movies too lately. To be honest we don`t miss the commercials. We also surprisingly don`t miss the dvd portion of Netflix either.

2. Hulu Plus: 
      We started with the free trial of Hulu Plus maybe 3-4 months after we cut cable, just to see how it was different. While the layout and movement is a big annoying, there is a bigger variety of Anime`s on Hulu, as well as current television shows and episodes. The movie section is lacking, though. We don`t mind that so much. We ended up keeping Hulu on and I manage it accordingly, making sure we don`t have the same shows on both.

3. Amazon Instant:
    Tony got a bit obsessed with Amazon this year, and we have ordered some stuff from it for way cheaper than we would have gotten it at the store. He signed up for Prime, which gave us a year of free Amazon Instant, and so far we like it. It is good for movies mainly, but does have some shows that we haven`t found on either Netflix or Hulu Plus such as Dr.Who and Stripperella.

While we do hope other channels come out with affordable apps/programs such as these soon, we haven`t even invested in an antenna because we just don`t miss live television at all. Try it for yourself, we are saving over 100$ a month including the fact that we upped our internet speeds to 50mbps and pay 8$ a month for Netflix and HuluPlus. It really does add up. Also we anticipate that it will save more when Drake gets older because we don`t have commercials trying to sell him stuff :)

We enjoy these programs on our Smart tv and Roku box, as well as the xbox and the netgear box. the whole house is connected with our very worth it Netgear wireless router.


My Favorite Music progams

I love music. Music puts me in the mood to write, gets me out of sad moods, helps me cope, helps me get away, and just keeps me busy. It is not merely entertainment for me and I don`t stick to one genre either. My musical tastes range from k-pop,j-pop and j rock, to russian rock, german industrial and even this really awesome A Cappella group called Van Canto.

  I used to use Itunes to get all of my music, but it was costly and limited. I was always finding better stuff on YouTube and all over the internet. For awhile I was downloading through LimeWire (until I learned it was illegal) and then just ripping songs from the Cd`s of my friends.

 Recently I have found 2 ways of getting my music fix. At home I use Spotify, which isn`t as limited as Itunes, but is still missing some stuff. I believe Spotify builds its database from producers and users. It is a social music program/app/whatever that allows you to follow other people`s music, playlists, genres, etc. You can build playlists, follow Artists, even find out the top 100 in other countries.

In the car we have begun to use Slacker Radio, a free app with limited commercials  (and even those are amusing.) Tony found it one day and we listened to it all the way up to visit his family. I liked that it quieted itself to allow my navigation to talk. Pandora just forced me to try and hear the navigator through the music which was irritating.

Both of these come in a free version and paid version, but as we know I am very frugal so of course we stick to the free ones :)


Amore pizza, Gulf Coast town center.

Awhile back we found this place called Amore when we were looking for a Subway. We usually stick to Dominos when it comes to pizza but the smell coming from this place lured us in.
   The decor was very rustic, very basic. Right when you walk in you come face to face with the pizza oven and the pizza station. We spent around 22 bucks on a 16 inch pizza, a side of fries for Drake and drinks. They offer fountain drinks, Gatorade, Arizona tea in the can, coffee and other beverages. Amore`s menu consists of specialty pizzas, make your own pizzas, pasta dishes, salads and appetizers such as Tsaziki,(which was amazing btw)
There is an everyday special of a pizza slice and fountain drink for 3.50$
Mondays- buy one get one half off pizza
Tuesdays- all you can eat pizza slices for 6$
Weds- any size any topping 10$
Thursday- any pasta for 8$
We all loved the food, though the atmosphere was a bit..bare. Don't let looks fool you though, try the food. It was amazing

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

The ABC Family movie "CyberBully" (lets call this a "review")

Okay so recently I watched this movie on Netflix Instant, which I`ve heard good things about and figured I would watch it and see for myself. CyberBully was supposed to be an "eye opener" for people who weren`t yet aware of bullying on the Internet. It was supposed to allow parents to have a way to talk to their kids about the Internet and bullying in general, and while it was well-meaning, I found the movie to have more of a mixed message than anything.
   For me, the message I got from the movie was "Don`t trust your family or your friends," which I am hoping wasn`t the true message. The bullying in the movie felt like it was dreamt up by a group full of former Prom Queens and Quarterbacks who had never experienced true bullying. This is not to say that any bulling should be tolerated, but merely that this was very G rated bullying and I found it to be slightly comical that Taylor would try to kill herself over the words of others.

  The movie is about Taylor, an "average" teenager with friends. She`s not super popular, but she`s not a geek. Her father recently left the family and she has developed a bit of a bullying problem with  one of the popular girls at school. She shares a laptop with her mother and brother and is a bit of a gossip with her friends Samantha and Cheyenne. Taylor`s mom buys her her own laptop for her birthday and allows her to make a profile on a social website called Cliquesters (which is equivalent to Facebook.)
         I am going to pause here to comment a bit on this. I am only 22, and I have a 2 year old, BUT when my son finally joins the online world I am going to make DAMN sure he knows what he is getting into, what can happen, what WILL happen and that I am here to talk to about it. Throughout the movie Taylor kept everything secret from her mom in shame and the mother banned her from Cliquesters, which we all know just makes kids want to use it more...and she DID. The movie has very poor communication between the whole family, which is common in American families today. Parents need to set aside time to have conversations with their kids at a very young age about these things, build bonds and forge relationships to keep this kind of thing from happening.

       So Taylor makes an account on this site and posts all sorts of pictures of herself and her friends and puts up all sorts of information about herself for the world to see, obviously uncaring that people can see all of this and use it against her. It comes as a big surprise when the popular girl at school, Lindsay, starts making rude comments on her pictures and talks about her in a chat room. Obviously this social site didn`t give the option to put her profile on private. Her brother begs her to make an account for him and Taylor refuses, so later that week her brother hacks her account and makes a status something along the lines of "I`m a dirty girl who needs to be spanked"
    Okay so, obviously when her mother allowed her to make a profile on this site she did not correctly warn her child, or supervise anything, or even look at the site to see if there were privacy settings. She did not teach her child not to listen to other people, or to believe in herself. The brother was only grounded for his actions too, my dad would have beat the hell out of me if I pulled a stunt like that. The mother was just like "I`m very disappointed in you Eric." Fuck that! I would be beating his ass with a belt until I could see bone, that shit is ridiculous.

    Of course since there were no filters in Taylor`s profile everyone saw the status and went crazy. Taylor was humiliated and had to do the walk of shame at school and whatnot. During all of this her love interest Scott is still talking to her, but another boy appears. James, an online profile who seems to be a perfect match for her, stands up for her against the bullyers in the chat room. He quickly becomes a confidant to Taylor, and she tells him everything. Just throws abandon to the wind and tells this pictureless stranger everything about her life, because obviously her mother never taught her not to talk to strangers.
  Over the next few weeks Taylor is bullied by the popular kids. She doesn`t even try to stand up for herself. Her friends turn their backs on her, and then James posts a status saying he caught the Clap from Taylor.
      Taylors mother really dropped the ball somewhere here. She never taught her daughter to have a thick skin. My dad always told me two things "suck it up" and "deal with it"...and I did LOL.  Girl calls me a slut, am I a slut? No? then WHY THE HELL would I get all worked up over it? Someone says I`m stupid. Am I? No? THEN WAHH GET OVER IT.  Kids today are placed in bubble nests stuffed with unicorn hair and pixie farts, they never learn to deal with anything. Bullying is a very big issue and from both ends. Parents don`t teach their kids NOT to bully, and they also don`t teach them  how to deal with it. They`re not talking to their kids and then are baffled when they commit suicide. How do you not know what the hell your kids are doing? 
   So then Taylor goes into emo mode and puts a video up about how she`s going to kill herself, which in reality a video just means you DONT want to kill yourself and you`re biding time trying to find someone to stop you. (Her brother was in the house, didn`t have a clue) Samantha sees the video and rushes over to find Taylor failing at removing a non childproof cap from a pill bottle. Seriously girl, can`t even get dying right?

Okay so all jokes aside it was a decent movie, but there is so much more to bullying than this craptastic movie. In high school I was out every night with my herd ofJuggalos. I was slapping on facepaint and running through the streets at night, wandering around Walmart. There was plenty of times where drugs were passed right by my face and I NEVER partook. I drank, but never enough to end up like any of them. We have a video of this one cracked out chick so drunk she passed out on the table and slammed her face into the floor. I found it stupid to end up like that, because those videos are still going around, and one day her son is going to see that.
   I was the friend who took hits, spent my paychecks on gas only to stay with my friends. I let one of them cut me so they wouldn`t cut themselves and I dealt with so much bullying it wasn`t even funny, but you know what? I`m still here. I stayed level headed and didn`t let it get to me.
  Bullying is a serious problem in todays society, on both ends of the spectrum. Too many times I see these videos of these kids killing themselves over stupid shit. They are words people. They can hurt but they don`t make you actually bleed. If you are a parent reading this, find the time to talk to your children. If you`re a child/teen/whatever, talk to your parents if something is bothering you.

Remember once something is on the internet it can never be erased. Surf Cautiously

Cyber-Bullying: Issues and Solutions for the School, the Classroom and (Google Affiliate Ad)

Tuesday, February 26, 2013


Its 3:43 am. I`m exhausted. As usual I`m afraid if I go to sleep I won`t wake up, or I`ll wake up next to a very still Tony. Its been like this for weeks. No one knows except Sassy. I`ve been going into the garage occasionally and exercising on and off, thrown up one but it wasn`t much. I`m tired of being riddled with constant stress, anxiety and fear. It never gets old, thinking of how people will react to me being gone, its scary, horrifying. I just want to be happy, able to enjoy life..not in pain, worrying if this headache is a tumor, or worrying about if this leg pain would cost me my life if I got mugged and couldn`t get away.

  Two days ago we went to the fair, Drake and I rode a camel. The only thing I could think of while I was on that camel was Drake falling off, how I could catch him, how I could hold him if we both went down, who would be hurt more?

Tony and the baby stopped snoring just now. I made my rounds checking for air. This isn`t normal...

We can`t afford for me to be on pills for this, its just getting worse.

What`s more I finally got promoted in my guild and now I constantly fear that people hate me, that they wish to remove me from guild. My real life friend Dana, I constantly fear her ending our friendship. I think the beagle runs away because I don`t love him enough. I think Josh looks for love elsewhere because I can`t give him sex enough. I fear Tony will give up on me because I don`t have a sex dive anymore.

I just want to be normal. I want someone to say hey, I can fix this. I can make you happy again. I want people to understand that I don`t know whats wrong! I don`t know how to tell you whats wrong, because there isn`t anything "wrong" its me. I`m defective..I`m not of good quality stock..

I  fear I may have passed this on to Drake. Maybe he shouldn`t be alone with me all the time, or he`ll end up like me.

Saturday, February 16, 2013


I wonder about it...alot. More than I think one should. I obsess over it, especially because everyone in my life is overweight, and right now we are currently sick. Its gotten to the point where I think I need someone to talk to about it. Every night before bed I have morbid thoughts, and when I dream its nearly always a nightmare. I worry about when I will die, how will I die, what will happen to my son, what will happen to my family, my animals. What if the animals just get dumped in a shelter after everything I`ve done to give them a better life? What if my boyfriend doesn`t keep up with Drake`s therapies? What if they move back to his mothers and he gets the same treatment Tony himself did and ends up just like him with the back pain and whatnot?
  I worry about waking up next to my boyfriend and he`s dead. At night I hear him stop breathing and I know its due to his weight. I shove him. Every night I sit up and shove him every time he stops breathing. I literally force myself to stay up all night so I don`t have to worry about someone forgetting to lock all the doors and windows, or someone stop breathing, or even a dog getting into something and dying. I know its not normal and I sicken myself.
  I freak out when either of the boys drive, I look for excuses not to leave the house. When I`m out I avoid anything life threatening like the plague. Even at home I restrict eating when alone for fear of choking, I restrict using knives or carrying anything sharp or electrical. I obsess over the doors being locked. When the dogs bark at a noise I`m usually investigating it with them. Every time I shower I`m afraid someone is going to sneak in and kill me before I can get to the baby. I`m afraid to check the mail in case a crazy driver gets me.
  I know that its wrong to feel like this 24/7. I cannot calm down, ever. I can`t meditate, I can`t get drunk, I can`t even bring myself to cut anymore for fear that I will die from it somehow. Every pain, every sniffle..I fear cancer or some new disease is going to kill me.

Part of me wonder if its a religious thing? Because I can`t make up my mind on what I want to believe. All religions have a bit of truth to them, which is true? What if I pick one and its wrong? How can I go to church every day when I`m wondering I should be going to a scientology center or something? What if I get super churchy and nothing happens after I die anyway? Did I waste time going to church then when I could have spent more time with my family?

 I wish I could talk to someone about all of this..I wish we could afford a therapist. I`m tired..physically and emotionally tired of feeling restless all the time.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Miami trip 1/7/13

Today was the long awaited Miami trip. The one we take each year to see Drakes geneticist. I get so anxious when driving that usually josh has to drive for this trip because miami drivers are crazy, this trip I drove the whole way because josh couldn't get the day off of work. After waking up at 5am to bring him to work, tony let me sleep in till about 8:30 since everything was packed last night. We left the house at 9:30 and made good time taking an alternate route to avoid the tolls.
   Around 10:30 we stopped for a potty break, changed the baby and let Aries pee. We had to bring him because he just had the snip snip surgery and can't hold his pee very long so I didn't want him sitting in his crate for 6-7 hours. Ate some of the tuna salad I made and got back on the road after fighting with the air conditioning a bit.
  Arrived on time and set aries up in the car with food and water and puppy pads and went in. Drake was wet so I went to change his diaper. He waited till I had his butt in the air to start peeing. He laughed at me at first, then got himself in the face. I couldn't finish changing him because he was laying in pee, I would swear it was half a pint of water! So I let him wander around the bathroom naked minus the shoes until tony brought me an outfit and I had the pee wiped dry everywhere.
  Tony was already in the room by the time we got out. They did drakes weight and head circumference, then put us in the room. The visit went well, though it was the drs last time at miami u, next year we'll be seeing her at miami childrens. She gave us our list of things to finish before next year. All 3 therapys, tonsils and appenoids removed, head monitored, dentistry,hearing test and re-evaluation by all the specialists.
   Then we drove the 57 miles to visit tonys dad, had dinner and watched aries try to take on their german shepherd. At this point it was 7pm I had been up and driving since 5am so obviously I was tired. After a long and grueling 2.5hr drive we arrived home. The whole trip took 1 tank of gas and was about 350miles.
  Id say we did pretty well. Spent 25 bucks the whole day