Tuesday, February 26, 2013


Its 3:43 am. I`m exhausted. As usual I`m afraid if I go to sleep I won`t wake up, or I`ll wake up next to a very still Tony. Its been like this for weeks. No one knows except Sassy. I`ve been going into the garage occasionally and exercising on and off, thrown up one but it wasn`t much. I`m tired of being riddled with constant stress, anxiety and fear. It never gets old, thinking of how people will react to me being gone, its scary, horrifying. I just want to be happy, able to enjoy life..not in pain, worrying if this headache is a tumor, or worrying about if this leg pain would cost me my life if I got mugged and couldn`t get away.

  Two days ago we went to the fair, Drake and I rode a camel. The only thing I could think of while I was on that camel was Drake falling off, how I could catch him, how I could hold him if we both went down, who would be hurt more?

Tony and the baby stopped snoring just now. I made my rounds checking for air. This isn`t normal...

We can`t afford for me to be on pills for this, its just getting worse.

What`s more I finally got promoted in my guild and now I constantly fear that people hate me, that they wish to remove me from guild. My real life friend Dana, I constantly fear her ending our friendship. I think the beagle runs away because I don`t love him enough. I think Josh looks for love elsewhere because I can`t give him sex enough. I fear Tony will give up on me because I don`t have a sex dive anymore.

I just want to be normal. I want someone to understand..to say hey, I can fix this. I can make you happy again. I want people to understand that I don`t know whats wrong! I don`t know how to tell you whats wrong, because there isn`t anything "wrong" its me. I`m defective..I`m not of good quality stock..

I  fear I may have passed this on to Drake. Maybe he shouldn`t be alone with me all the time, or he`ll end up like me.

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