Stress

Its 3:43 am. I`m exhausted. As usual I`m afraid if I go to sleep I won`t wake up, or I`ll wake up next to a very still Tony. Its been like this for weeks. No one knows except Sassy. I`ve been going into the garage occasionally and exercising on and off, thrown up one but it wasn`t much. I`m tired of being riddled with constant stress, anxiety and fear. It never gets old, thinking of how people will react to me being gone, its scary, horrifying. I just want to be happy, able to enjoy life..not in pain, worrying if this headache is a tumor, or worrying about if this leg pain would cost me my life if I got mugged and couldn`t get away.

  Two days ago we went to the fair, Drake and I rode a camel. The only thing I could think of while I was on that camel was Drake falling off, how I could catch him, how I could hold him if we both went down, who would be hurt more?

Tony and the baby stopped snoring just now. I made my rounds checking for air. This isn`t normal...

We can`t afford for me to be on pills for this, its just getting worse.

What`s more I finally got promoted in my guild and now I constantly fear that people hate me, that they wish to remove me from guild. My real life friend Dana, I constantly fear her ending our friendship. I think the beagle runs away because I don`t love him enough. I think Josh looks for love elsewhere because I can`t give him sex enough. I fear Tony will give up on me because I don`t have a sex dive anymore.

I just want to be normal. I want someone to understand..to say hey, I can fix this. I can make you happy again. I want people to understand that I don`t know whats wrong! I don`t know how to tell you whats wrong, because there isn`t anything "wrong" its me. I`m defective..I`m not of good quality stock..

I  fear I may have passed this on to Drake. Maybe he shouldn`t be alone with me all the time, or he`ll end up like me.

Death

I wonder about it...alot. More than I think one should. I obsess over it, especially because everyone in my life is overweight, and right now we are currently sick. Its gotten to the point where I think I need someone to talk to about it. Every night before bed I have morbid thoughts, and when I dream its nearly always a nightmare. I worry about when I will die, how will I die, what will happen to my son, what will happen to my family, my animals. What if the animals just get dumped in a shelter after everything I`ve done to give them a better life? What if my boyfriend doesn`t keep up with Drake`s therapies? What if they move back to his mothers and he gets the same treatment Tony himself did and ends up just like him with the back pain and whatnot?
  I worry about waking up next to my boyfriend and he`s dead. At night I hear him stop breathing and I know its due to his weight. I shove him. Every night I sit up and shove him every time he stops breathing. I literally force myself to stay up all night so I don`t have to worry about someone forgetting to lock all the doors and windows, or someone stop breathing, or even a dog getting into something and dying. I know its not normal and I sicken myself.
  I freak out when either of the boys drive, I look for excuses not to leave the house. When I`m out I avoid anything life threatening like the plague. Even at home I restrict eating when alone for fear of choking, I restrict using knives or carrying anything sharp or electrical. I obsess over the doors being locked. When the dogs bark at a noise I`m usually investigating it with them. Every time I shower I`m afraid someone is going to sneak in and kill me before I can get to the baby. I`m afraid to check the mail in case a crazy driver gets me.
  I know that its wrong to feel like this 24/7. I cannot calm down, ever. I can`t meditate, I can`t get drunk, I can`t even bring myself to cut anymore for fear that I will die from it somehow. Every pain, every sniffle..I fear cancer or some new disease is going to kill me.

Part of me wonder if its a religious thing? Because I can`t make up my mind on what I want to believe. All religions have a bit of truth to them, which is true? What if I pick one and its wrong? How can I go to church every day when I`m wondering I should be going to a scientology center or something? What if I get super churchy and nothing happens after I die anyway? Did I waste time going to church then when I could have spent more time with my family?

 I wish I could talk to someone about all of this..I wish we could afford a therapist. I`m tired..physically and emotionally tired of feeling restless all the time.