Saturday, February 16, 2013


I wonder about it...alot. More than I think one should. I obsess over it, especially because everyone in my life is overweight, and right now we are currently sick. Its gotten to the point where I think I need someone to talk to about it. Every night before bed I have morbid thoughts, and when I dream its nearly always a nightmare. I worry about when I will die, how will I die, what will happen to my son, what will happen to my family, my animals. What if the animals just get dumped in a shelter after everything I`ve done to give them a better life? What if my boyfriend doesn`t keep up with Drake`s therapies? What if they move back to his mothers and he gets the same treatment Tony himself did and ends up just like him with the back pain and whatnot?
  I worry about waking up next to my boyfriend and he`s dead. At night I hear him stop breathing and I know its due to his weight. I shove him. Every night I sit up and shove him every time he stops breathing. I literally force myself to stay up all night so I don`t have to worry about someone forgetting to lock all the doors and windows, or someone stop breathing, or even a dog getting into something and dying. I know its not normal and I sicken myself.
  I freak out when either of the boys drive, I look for excuses not to leave the house. When I`m out I avoid anything life threatening like the plague. Even at home I restrict eating when alone for fear of choking, I restrict using knives or carrying anything sharp or electrical. I obsess over the doors being locked. When the dogs bark at a noise I`m usually investigating it with them. Every time I shower I`m afraid someone is going to sneak in and kill me before I can get to the baby. I`m afraid to check the mail in case a crazy driver gets me.
  I know that its wrong to feel like this 24/7. I cannot calm down, ever. I can`t meditate, I can`t get drunk, I can`t even bring myself to cut anymore for fear that I will die from it somehow. Every pain, every sniffle..I fear cancer or some new disease is going to kill me.

Part of me wonder if its a religious thing? Because I can`t make up my mind on what I want to believe. All religions have a bit of truth to them, which is true? What if I pick one and its wrong? How can I go to church every day when I`m wondering I should be going to a scientology center or something? What if I get super churchy and nothing happens after I die anyway? Did I waste time going to church then when I could have spent more time with my family?

 I wish I could talk to someone about all of this..I wish we could afford a therapist. I`m tired..physically and emotionally tired of feeling restless all the time.

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