I wonder about it...alot. More than I think one should. I obsess over it, especially because everyone in my life is overweight, and right now we are currently sick. Its gotten to the point where I think I need someone to talk to about it. Every night before bed I have morbid thoughts, and when I dream its nearly always a nightmare. I worry about when I will die, how will I die, what will happen to my son, what will happen to my family, my animals. What if the animals just get dumped in a shelter after everything I`ve done to give them a better life? What if my boyfriend doesn`t keep up with Drake`s therapies? What if they move back to his mothers and he gets the same treatment Tony himself did and ends up just like him with the back pain and whatnot?
I worry about waking up next to my boyfriend and he`s dead. At night I hear him stop breathing and I know its due to his weight. I shove him. Every night I sit up and shove him every time he stops breathing. I literally force myself to stay up all night so I don`t have to worry about someone forgetting to lock all the doors and windows, or someone stop breathing, or even a dog getting into something and dying. I know its not normal and I sicken myself.
I freak out when either of the boys drive, I look for excuses not to leave the house. When I`m out I avoid anything life threatening like the plague. Even at home I restrict eating when alone for fear of choking, I restrict using knives or carrying anything sharp or electrical. I obsess over the doors being locked. When the dogs bark at a noise I`m usually investigating it with them. Every time I shower I`m afraid someone is going to sneak in and kill me before I can get to the baby. I`m afraid to check the mail in case a crazy driver gets me.
I know that its wrong to feel like this 24/7. I cannot calm down, ever. I can`t meditate, I can`t get drunk, I can`t even bring myself to cut anymore for fear that I will die from it somehow. Every pain, every sniffle..I fear cancer or some new disease is going to kill me.
Part of me wonder if its a religious thing? Because I can`t make up my mind on what I want to believe. All religions have a bit of truth to them, which is true? What if I pick one and its wrong? How can I go to church every day when I`m wondering I should be going to a scientology center or something? What if I get super churchy and nothing happens after I die anyway? Did I waste time going to church then when I could have spent more time with my family?
I wish I could talk to someone about all of this..I wish we could afford a therapist. I`m tired..physically and emotionally tired of feeling restless all the time.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Monday, January 7, 2013
Miami trip 1/7/13
Today was the long awaited Miami trip. The one we take each year to see Drakes geneticist. I get so anxious when driving that usually josh has to drive for this trip because miami drivers are crazy, this trip I drove the whole way because josh couldn't get the day off of work. After waking up at 5am to bring him to work, tony let me sleep in till about 8:30 since everything was packed last night. We left the house at 9:30 and made good time taking an alternate route to avoid the tolls.
Around 10:30 we stopped for a potty break, changed the baby and let Aries pee. We had to bring him because he just had the snip snip surgery and can't hold his pee very long so I didn't want him sitting in his crate for 6-7 hours. Ate some of the tuna salad I made and got back on the road after fighting with the air conditioning a bit.
Arrived on time and set aries up in the car with food and water and puppy pads and went in. Drake was wet so I went to change his diaper. He waited till I had his butt in the air to start peeing. He laughed at me at first, then got himself in the face. I couldn't finish changing him because he was laying in pee, I would swear it was half a pint of water! So I let him wander around the bathroom naked minus the shoes until tony brought me an outfit and I had the pee wiped dry everywhere.
Tony was already in the room by the time we got out. They did drakes weight and head circumference, then put us in the room. The visit went well, though it was the drs last time at miami u, next year we'll be seeing her at miami childrens. She gave us our list of things to finish before next year. All 3 therapys, tonsils and appenoids removed, head monitored, dentistry,hearing test and re-evaluation by all the specialists.
Then we drove the 57 miles to visit tonys dad, had dinner and watched aries try to take on their german shepherd. At this point it was 7pm I had been up and driving since 5am so obviously I was tired. After a long and grueling 2.5hr drive we arrived home. The whole trip took 1 tank of gas and was about 350miles.
Id say we did pretty well. Spent 25 bucks the whole day
Around 10:30 we stopped for a potty break, changed the baby and let Aries pee. We had to bring him because he just had the snip snip surgery and can't hold his pee very long so I didn't want him sitting in his crate for 6-7 hours. Ate some of the tuna salad I made and got back on the road after fighting with the air conditioning a bit.
Arrived on time and set aries up in the car with food and water and puppy pads and went in. Drake was wet so I went to change his diaper. He waited till I had his butt in the air to start peeing. He laughed at me at first, then got himself in the face. I couldn't finish changing him because he was laying in pee, I would swear it was half a pint of water! So I let him wander around the bathroom naked minus the shoes until tony brought me an outfit and I had the pee wiped dry everywhere.
Tony was already in the room by the time we got out. They did drakes weight and head circumference, then put us in the room. The visit went well, though it was the drs last time at miami u, next year we'll be seeing her at miami childrens. She gave us our list of things to finish before next year. All 3 therapys, tonsils and appenoids removed, head monitored, dentistry,hearing test and re-evaluation by all the specialists.
Then we drove the 57 miles to visit tonys dad, had dinner and watched aries try to take on their german shepherd. At this point it was 7pm I had been up and driving since 5am so obviously I was tired. After a long and grueling 2.5hr drive we arrived home. The whole trip took 1 tank of gas and was about 350miles.
Id say we did pretty well. Spent 25 bucks the whole day
Saturday, December 29, 2012
More ways to make money, including some weird ones
Warning: This post does contain material that is not suitable for underage people
If you type in "make money at home" or anything like that into Google, it gives you millions of pages. Most of these pages are lists that fellow users of the internet have compiled onto their own blogs for people, and I know I have made one of my own awhile back. So here is the updated list.
for you artistic people:
*http://www.etsy.com/- the classic, minimal fee website for people who make jewelry, soaps, clothing and anything else really
*http://www.spreadshirt.com/- design t-shirts, or rather, put artwork up for people to buy and put on t shirts themselves.
*http://www.designbyhumans.com/- this one is a bit tricky. You submit your design and if it is voted for and picked then you get paid for it to be produced.
Here`s one I never even thought of. Everyone gets out of jury duty, even though they sometimes compensate you for your time. But how about getting compensated without wasting the gas? Money in the pocket, maybe.
*https://ejury.com
*https://onlineverdict.com
Gaming:
*http://www.dungeons-treasures.com- the game is webpage based, with horrible graphics and the only option is a male character. The game runs for a month, then your gold is translated into cash. about 10k gold is a dollar, and 5 dollars is the payout. Each month the game is reset, everything back to zero, the higher your level and the faster you level, the more you make. Its best not to waste money on fancy weapons and armor, you find plenty in the dungeons. The website is foreign so there are horrible spelling errors, but hey, 45 min a day for a month and an easy possible 15-20 bucks right?
Eco
there`s only one website and thats Recyclebank.com. Some states have a program that allows recyclebank to pay you based on the amount of stuff you recycle each month.
Also check state laws because there is a market for just about anything you can recycle.
Sell used tires to used tire shops, scrapping, aluminum deposits, glass deposits, some websites even buy boxes and used shipping material. I even found a website that buys used golf balls, for all of you that thought that living next to a golf course was annoying! (Knetgolf.com) The details on how to sell to them are a bit hazy, I`m requesting more information myself.
Like to blab? Like to give opinions?
www.Epinions.com. get paid to write reviews on products. The higher your rating, the more you can make. My username is Kihluna so look me up.
For the mothers:
http://www.wahm.com/
Has helpful job postings and articles on working from home.
Now for the fun stuff. If you`re under 18 leave now.
Make money from perverts!
Sell used panties- even men can do this, or hire a woman to wear them, any size is sellable. Pairs sell for 15-20 bucks apiece. Just google it
Pretty feet?- like to get pedicures? put up an ad on backpage or google how to get paid for foot worship, which can either mean in person foot loving, or selling your pics or videos wearing socks, shoes, or bare feet.
Be a virtual prostitute- its not illegal lol. http://www.virtualsexwork.com/faq/ does require a start up fee though :/
There are plenty of websites on the web that pay you to be a videocam girl, any size so big girls don`t be afraid to look it up. Some sites allow just phone sex, or just webcam, some even allow only sexting. Get paid to write dirty text messages, really!.
Some adult E magazines will pay for writing sex stories
Hope these help people!
If you type in "make money at home" or anything like that into Google, it gives you millions of pages. Most of these pages are lists that fellow users of the internet have compiled onto their own blogs for people, and I know I have made one of my own awhile back. So here is the updated list.
for you artistic people:
*http://www.etsy.com/- the classic, minimal fee website for people who make jewelry, soaps, clothing and anything else really
*http://www.spreadshirt.com/- design t-shirts, or rather, put artwork up for people to buy and put on t shirts themselves.
*http://www.designbyhumans.com/- this one is a bit tricky. You submit your design and if it is voted for and picked then you get paid for it to be produced.
Here`s one I never even thought of. Everyone gets out of jury duty, even though they sometimes compensate you for your time. But how about getting compensated without wasting the gas? Money in the pocket, maybe.
*https://ejury.com
*https://onlineverdict.com
Gaming:
*http://www.dungeons-treasures.com- the game is webpage based, with horrible graphics and the only option is a male character. The game runs for a month, then your gold is translated into cash. about 10k gold is a dollar, and 5 dollars is the payout. Each month the game is reset, everything back to zero, the higher your level and the faster you level, the more you make. Its best not to waste money on fancy weapons and armor, you find plenty in the dungeons. The website is foreign so there are horrible spelling errors, but hey, 45 min a day for a month and an easy possible 15-20 bucks right?
Eco
there`s only one website and thats Recyclebank.com. Some states have a program that allows recyclebank to pay you based on the amount of stuff you recycle each month.
Also check state laws because there is a market for just about anything you can recycle.
Sell used tires to used tire shops, scrapping, aluminum deposits, glass deposits, some websites even buy boxes and used shipping material. I even found a website that buys used golf balls, for all of you that thought that living next to a golf course was annoying! (Knetgolf.com) The details on how to sell to them are a bit hazy, I`m requesting more information myself.
Like to blab? Like to give opinions?
www.Epinions.com. get paid to write reviews on products. The higher your rating, the more you can make. My username is Kihluna so look me up.
For the mothers:
http://www.wahm.com/
Has helpful job postings and articles on working from home.
Now for the fun stuff. If you`re under 18 leave now.
Make money from perverts!
Sell used panties- even men can do this, or hire a woman to wear them, any size is sellable. Pairs sell for 15-20 bucks apiece. Just google it
Pretty feet?- like to get pedicures? put up an ad on backpage or google how to get paid for foot worship, which can either mean in person foot loving, or selling your pics or videos wearing socks, shoes, or bare feet.
Be a virtual prostitute- its not illegal lol. http://www.virtualsexwork.com/faq/ does require a start up fee though :/
There are plenty of websites on the web that pay you to be a videocam girl, any size so big girls don`t be afraid to look it up. Some sites allow just phone sex, or just webcam, some even allow only sexting. Get paid to write dirty text messages, really!.
Some adult E magazines will pay for writing sex stories
Hope these help people!
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